I don't think there is any part of the day when I'm not analysing who I am or what I am. Sometimes I feel bold like a Lion in a “I can do anything kind of way” and sometimes I am as timid as a mouse in a “I just want to hide away kind of way.”
I think we've all had those moments where we are out somewhere and all we want to do is get home, lock the door and collapse into a chair. Live in the moment we are told but all too often I find myself thinking about the next thing. What am I doing tomorrow? How will I do x or y or z? At times when I’m home I wish I was out but when I’m out I wish I was at home. Does anyone else share that kind of thing?
I get these feelings quite often which is a bit tough because I'm a pretty gregarious cove.
I love meeting and being with people but am always worried about what they will think of and about me. Am I too loud or not loud enough? Am I being too silly or too serious - I can be both? Am I too flippant, am I too easily bored, can I completely turn off and enter my own little world? I bet most of us have those feelings much of the time.
Does it matter what people think if me? Well yes it does because I want to be a good person and what they think of me is an important part of what I am.
Am I too loud or too quiet? Both could apply depending on the situation I am in. I am an enigma. We are all enigmas. Sometimes other people's view of us are different from our own. They only see what we portray outside whilst inside we may be feeling very different.
For some reason over the past few days the following Bob Dylan lyric keeps coming into my head.
“I was so much younger then, I’m older than that now.” It comes from a song entitled “My Back Pages.”
It seems so apt for what I have been writing about today, but I really don’t know why. Perhaps somebody can enlighten me.
And then there’s two of me. The person that wants to be popular and is desperate to be liked and the one that wants to shake up the world and doesn’t particularly care about what people think of me because I have too many things to achieve to be worried by words. Part of me wants to avoid confrontation while part of me wants to wade in to make a real splash. I want to be a non conformist within a conformist framework if that makes sense.
But that really is enough about me.