Now you all know that IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient but what about SQ? That stands for Stupidity Quotient. Among my Christmas presents to my other threequarters was a slim volume of walks in the border areas of Norfolk.
Yesterday, despite the fact it was raining, we decided to have a wander in the countryside and do our first walk from the book. This started at Woodton Church which has a tree that Horatio Nelson once allegedly climbed. He probably climbed to the top, took out his telescope, put it to one of his two good eyes because at that time he probably had both and proclaimed "I see no ships."
The walk then took us across a field and down some tracks. The problem was it was raining and everything was very very muddy. Our shoes were caked with mud, coats and trousers were dripping and I couldn't help thinking "what the heck are we doing this for?"
As you all know I'm a fan of walking but at times I do despair by walks taken from books which take you round fields and down roads of little or no interest. This was a prime example. The only thing of interest was Woodton Church and the loose dog which came to say hello.
By the time we got back to the car we were sodden and once again I had illustrated my high ranking on the old SQ scale. We made our way for lunch at a very nice cafe on the Norwich to Bungay Road.
I couldn't help myself at the Brickyard Cafe at Hedenham. There it was on the menu - sausage, double egg and chips. Had to be done (or eaten anyway). Then somebody on the table next to us was eating carrot cake. So once again I couldn't help myself. This walking lark certainly gives you an appetite and it was one of my five a day (or so I told myself).
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A couple of days ago I mentioned that I was Fat Elvis. Let me explain. On my youngest son's birthday we played a Playstation game entitled Buzz. This is a fun on the buzzer game and after tea we played the sports version. Everyone has to have an Avatar to represent them.
Mine turned out to be a rather rotund darts player with a quiff haircut that we referred to as Fat Elvis. Now Fat Elvis started slowly and after a couple of rounds was fourth out of four. But then he got a second wind and shot to the top of the leaderboard only to crash and burn over the final three rounds and end up in last place. Carrying all that weight certainly took its toll.
Buzz is the name of the host of the game - a cartoon character who sounds just like Jason Donovan, which isn't surprising because it is Jason Donovan. At least he doesn't break into "Any Dream Will Do" because that would have been more of a nightmare than a dream.
Long live Fat Elvis - he'll be back.